Category Archives: carriages

>REACT: Alec Baldwin is in deep (you know what)

>I have to admit. I get s smidgeon irritated when one of those antique horse-drawn carriages clops slowly in front of me on a narrow downtown Chicago street. The leisurely romantic ride so enjoyed by the cooing couple or the family of four only serves to obstruct my path and mission of the moment. It annoys me even if I am not in a hurry.

On the other hand … they are a lingering feature in an urban environment where traditional features are too often sacrificed on the altar of convenience, efficiency and pseudo safety. I fear that by the time we choose to “smell the roses,” as they say, we may discover they are all plastic. So, I am a bit nostalgic regarding the one-horse power liveries.

Enter actor Alec Baldwin. You may remember him in his famous role as an abusive parent brutally berating his 11-year-old daughter on a voice mail message. (If you have not heard it, Click here.) Or maybe when he played that America hating zealot wishing harm onto the President of the United States. Oh! Those weren’t roles. He really did those things.

Now, he has turned his arrogant wrath on the aforementioned carriage operators. In lock-step with the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), Baldwin is making it his personal cause to rid the city streets of New York and Chicago of these quaint carriages – theoretically freeing the horse to a better life in the corral next to the glue factory.

If I have ever harbored a thought of banning the carriages, I would have had to abandon it on nothing more than Balwin’s taking up the cause. In terms of public policy he is the anti-me. I rejoiced when he promised to leave America forever if George Bush was elected President. I awaited for the post-election announcement in the gossip columns. But noooooooo! Baldwin balked.

His current campaign gave me an idea. Since Baldwin is usually full of (you know what), I have proposed we recognize his campaign against the horse drawn carriages by associating his name with the project in a more fundamental way.

I assume you are all familiar with those “bags” that catch the Palomino poop before it plops to the pavement. Do you know what they are called? Of course not. Because they do not have an appropriately catchy name. Well, I have corrected that oversight in the lexicon by going to the Internet’s Urban Dictionary, where one is invited to add new words and terms to fill gaps in the language. Thanks to moi, those feces sacks shall now be known as “baldwin bags.” It’s perfect, don’t you think? We recognize his civic effort by applying his name to a device as full of (you know what) as he is.

Next time I am stuck behind one of those carriages, I will not be so irritated. I will think of actor Alec and the name-sake baldwin bag affixed to the horses ass that is keeping my city clean. Sack of (you know what) … horses ass …. Alec Baldwin. Oh, what perfect symmetry.

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