Category Archives: trouble

>REACT: From one bitch to another

>Billionaire hotelier Leona Helmsley died August 20th. The principal benefactor of her will was her female Maltese mutt named Trouble. The bitch (the dog, in this case) will receive $12 million. She will be entrusted to the care of the bitch’s (Helmsley, in this case) brother for the remaining few years of Trouble. That is more money than needed to take good care of three humans from cradle to grave. After death, the dog will be laid to rest next to the bitch’s mistress.

(Hmmmm. That means that Trouble will literally follow Helmsley into the afterlife – and deservedly so. Of course, I am only joking, since dogs, contrary to Disney cartoons, do not go to heaven … or where ever the Queen of Mean is residing these days).

Now maybe you think of me as unkind for referring to that late Leona as a “bitch.” However, no one familiar with her treatment of human beings would argue against me tagging her with that title.

Even in death, Lady Leona could not resist using her money as venom. While the four-legged bitch is lavishly rewarded, Helmsley completely disinherits two of her four grandchildren “for reasons that are known to them.”

The other grandchildren are provided about $5 million each, but of course, there is a catch. They must visit the grave of their father at least once each calendar year or loose the money. Not sure how that works if they already have the money, or is it being doled out for each visit. In any case, the ugly control freak that the world knew as Leona Helmsley is no more appealing after death as she was before.

It is my recommendation that in honor of Helmsley devotion to Trouble, and symbolic of the mutt’s future resting place alongside, her headstone should be carved into the shape of a fire hydrant, and ultimately used for the relief of any roaming canines. Oh, the wonderful irony of it all. And so appropriate.